"The same river twice"

Sometimes, when I am experiencing the frustration of repeating a life lesson, and feeling like I'm not make the grade, I think of something I read by Anne Lamott. In one of her books, I can't remember now which one, she makes fun of herself by saying that she believes god has a plan for her, and 90% of the time she is wrong herself about what that plan will be. 90%.

That is just so validating. It leads me to say to myself, "it's okay that I'm constantly wrong about where I should be in my life and in what timeframe, MY timeframe of course. It's okay that sometimes I need to revisit a life lesson more than once." Even though a re-do of a life lesson can sometimes feel like staying back a grade in school.

But I resist second looks in such a profound way.  My very narrow and linear approach to life is lacking in openness to the value of a second look. My been-there-done-that attitude leads me to missed opportunities that have potential to teach me something more from what on the surface appears to be the same experience over again.

Alice Walker, who is also a Pema Chodron fan, wrote a book a while ago called "The Same River Twice." It was a memoir of sorts, I'm sure you've figured out by now how much I love memoirs, about the behind the scenes making of the film "The Color Purple" which was of course based on Alice Walker's novel by the same title.

In "the same river twice" Ms. Walker gives background to the movie with details like working with Steven Spielberg, but also other layers to her personal life at the time like her struggle with Lyme's Disease. But what I liked more than the actual content of this book, was the title itself: "the same river twice."  I often think of this title, a set of words really, when I find myself needing to revisit a lesson or teaching that just didn't fully penetrate or stick the first time.

I love the whole idea that there can be beauty and value and greater complexity to walking the same path more than once. The type A in me says if I am looking at something for a second or third or, god forgive, fourth time, then I must be failing or coming up short in some way. I must not be working hard enough or learning fast enough or growing deeply enough. In other words, it must be me. Otherwise life would continue perfect linear forward movement in exactly the speed and timeframe that I prefer.

This rigid thinking served me pretty well when I was working crappy restaurant jobs and matriculating through school. But now, not so much. Now I believe this thinking holds me back and adds to my suffering. So I try to make my thinking more flexible.  I try to take another view. I say to myself: "perhaps there is something to be gained by traveling 'the same river twice." I may gain a new level of clarity and insight that was not received the first time. And not because i wasn't paying attention or not performing well enough. Rather, maybe it was not yet the time. I was not yet ready and therefore a particular insight would not have been useful to me at that juncture in my life.  Maybe I didn't  yet have the internal and/or external tools to use that particular insight effectively. Which would have led to either a. Nothing because the lesson would have just slid right of me like Teflon. Or b. complete frustration because I didn't have the ability to transfer that lesson into my own life and would have probably ended up blaming that lack of ability either on myself or others-both leaving me disgruntled.

Take the small example of reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love" twice. I hesitate to bring this particular book up because it is now thought to be such a cultural cliche (even though it still amazes me that the spiritual experience of woman became a well known money-making narrative?! When in history has that ever happened before? But I digress...). I first read "Eat, Pray, Love " around the time I turned 30. I read it again while on a vacation to California 3 years ago.  At the time of the second reading I now had a 2 year old son and had been married for 6 years. To say the least, my life was in a different place.  So of course I would pick up new insights (and good laughs!) that I just could not have integrated the first time around.

So today when I want to rush through something or resist reviewing something a second or third time, I will say to myself: "surrender. Let go of fighting reality. Flow. Even if it is the same river twice. "