Mornings with Merton

For about the last year I have been reading Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton. To state the obvious, I have been reading this book very, very slowly. I bought it at my favorite used book store which is actually located on the main street of the town I grew up in.

There are several things I love about this bookstore. One of which, it is currently owned by a woman. Not to get on my soap box, but, whenever possible, I like to spend my dollars in the businesses of other women to support more female entrepreneurs.

I also like it though because it has been a used and rare bookstore for over 4 decades. It has miraculously survived the aftermath of a Barnes and Noble being built literally less than a mile away. And of course, I love that it has all those used bookstore nooks and crannies and floor to ceiling shelves filled with interesting books with whole histories to them that I love to fantasize about.

Seeds of Contemplation was no exception. The book itself is a first edition, which I love, with a book jacket that is a textured cloth- nothing glossy and flashy here. Inside, the former owner of the book wrote her name and the year (1940-something). And at the back of the book, there is a little sticker that has the name of a bookstore in Boston that I imagine it was first sold at, that looks as old as the book itself. So yes, I had to buy it. For $6 I might add. (Sometimes I just feel like telling the bookstore owner to charge more-women are always selling themselves short…sorry, back on my soap box!)

I pick up this book periodically before meditation which I do on weekdaysbetween 4:30 and 5 a.m. before the kiddos are up and I go to work. Writing that hour down, and seeing it in print, makes me really question my sanity, but I’ve found the more consistent I am about the hour of meditation, it sort of becomes as routine as a morning cup of coffee.

Before I begin my 20 or so minutes of sitting meditation, I like to read a page or two of something that kind of brings my awareness to some focus of attention that is relevant to meditation or relationship with god. When I read Merton, I am going for relationship with god.

I sometimes like to imagine my meditation time as a period of my day when god and I are sitting together quietly.  Nothing to do. Nothing to say. Just sitting. Kind of like Ferdinand the bull, “sitting just quietly beneath the cork tree” in Spain. During those times, I may think of my meditation practice as an act of devotion toward god, for god, with god. I don’t know which actually, and I definitely haven’t gotten it all figured out yet, but something about it feels really right. And when you get that feeling, which I think can be pretty rare for some people, I think you owe it to yourself and the other (if there is another) to explore it further.

Lately in my reading of Seeds of Contemplation, Merton is talking about dissolving the self as a means to union with god.  As a psychotherapist by vocation, I find this whole idea, dissolving the self, in mysticism and meditation fascinating because I spend most of my Monday through Fridayhelping individuals develop a sense of self. And as a parent too actually. Parenting a five year old you are constantly shaping and crafting and molding a self that is wholesome and compassionate and full of self-love. But then I read Merton, or some other mystic or Buddhist text, and I am opened to consider something very different.  Well, maybe not different…something more.  

Maybe we are meant to develop such a strong sense of self that the ultimate conclusion is the dissolution of self because you realize it was never required to begin with. If we start and end with god, what else is there?

I guess I have to keep on reading. Page by page. Meditation by meditation. As always, I am a work in progress.