Humility as a Virtue

Growing up I was taught to be humble. In fact it was ingrained in me. But in my home, humility was associated with shame. To be humble was to be ashamed of what gifts you had, whether they be material or by birthright. Which made it quite difficult to experience humility as anything but a punch in the gut. And that is unfortunate. Because I now believe humility is a virtuous action that can lead to feelings of gratitude and interconnectedness.

I grew up in a predominantly white suburb with two middle class working parents. We had a house. Two cars.  Both my parents were college educated. We took trips most summers including to Europe when I was seven years old. I unquestionably grew up with privilege and opportunity. But with all that I had in my life, and add to that I always did well in school and had a small but loyal group of friends,  I was taught to hate myself for it. I was taught to feel guilt and shame about the privilege associated with being white, with having means to go to camp each summer, with getting separated into honors classes.

Because of this history, I carried a very negative association to the word humility for many years. Now fast forward to my twenties and I'm attending AL-ANON meetings in church basements all over the state. And what word do I keep hearing over and over again? Humility. Just hearing the word made me want to run out of the meetings screaming. But I didn't. I stayed. And I listened hard. For several years actually. And the word humility, and what it means to be humble became redefined for me.

I began to see how humility could actually allow me to feel connected, rather than disconnected, to others. Anne Lamott always reminds me of this, a writer who also had roots in twelve step program. And I've seen several interviews she's given over the years where she describes this process that can go on between reader and writer of "me too."  Where a writer like Anne Lamott says to her reader "I too have seen the darkness and confusion. But I have also seen the light." And that vulnerable act of honesty and humility, leads the reader to do the same and admit, "me too." And in that fleeting moment, both reader and writer are free.  What's more, interconnection is born by risking humility.

I was reminded of this new founded definition of humility this morning when I was reading a piece by Pema Chodron- a Buddhist nun who I must admit I will likely be writing about often in this blog because I just find so much wisdom in her words. But this morning I read these words: "if a shmuck like me can do it, anybody can do it.' That's what I used to say, that if a miserable person like me-who's completely caught up in anger and depression and betrayal-if I can do it, then anyone can do it, so I'm going to  try."

She wrote those words in the context if reminding us all of our precious human birth. So to me, she is saying humility allows us to accept our own flawed and glorious humanity. And that process of acceptance leads to liberation, self love and compassion for others who suffer the same. It is a way of saying, "yeah, I get what you are saying. I've been there. And we will get through this together. Everything will be okay."

Now that is an embodying of humility that is virtuous. I want to follow and model that, humbly speaking of course.