Because lately I've seemed to need these words of encouragement more than them. Children have this marvelous capacity for resiliency, perseverance and genuine optimism. But adults, me anyway, are vulnerable to difficult emotions, of the suffering variety, like feeling defeated, inadequate and conflicted. For me these tricky emotions can be like the quick sand in the forest scene in the 1980's movie The Princess Bride. Meaning, when I'm walking in a dark and scary place, I really have to keep my head up and regularly scan my environment for holes in the ground that are camouflaged. Holes that have the potential to swallow me up if I fall into them and begin to struggle and resist against the will, pull and sheer force of the emotion.
I was recently re-reading the work of Buddhist teacher and author Jack Kornfield in his book Bringing Home the Dharma: Awakening Right Where You Are, and he suggests in his chapter called "The Near Enemies of Awakening" that these painful emotions are okay, even necessary. He says:
"Opening ourselves to all aspects of experience is necessary if we want to make a difference. To look at the world honestly, unflinchingly, and directly requires us to also look at ourselves. We discover that sorrow and pain are not just out there, external, but area also within ourselves. We have our own fear, prejudice, hatred, desire, neurosis, and anxiety. It is our own sorrow. In opening ourselves to suffering, we discover the great heart of compassion."
I don't know about you, but I find these words reassuring for two reasons. Number one, when I read from the book of someone who has walked further down this spiritual path than I have, and that person says the challenges I am experiencing are completely expected and normal--versus obstacles and a sign that something is wrong or misguided--I find myself letting out a long sigh of relief. Then, the "I'm not alone" thought arises and I feel more at ease with my uneasiness. In other words, more hopeful, and less hopeless.
And the second reason I find Jack Kornfield's perspective to be helpful, is because he is also suggesting that there is purpose and meaning to these difficult emotions. For me, it is important to be reminded that painful emotions and experiences have the potential to serve a function in our lives. Because even though I know this on a cognitive level, like I recently wrote in my blog Forgetting to Remember God, I easily forget, like, within seconds. Which is why we, I, need to engage in compassionate mind training like a meditation practice, or even more formally a Tonglen Practice that Buddhist nun and author Pema Chodron often describes in her writing and speaking, to increase my ability to open myself to these painful emotions and accept them as part of the human experience. To see them as a means to an end of feeling more interconnected with all others- in my work doing psychotherapy with patients, with friends and family, and even with strangers.
When I remember these two truths that Jack Kornfield has written about, I am able to then remember to interact with my suffering differently. I am able to perceive the pain as an emotional wave that I am riding- whether it be a Long Island Sound 1-2 footer or more like a Hawaiian 20-30 footer in a rain storm.
I was recently reminded of this wave analogy when watching Jon Kabat-Zinn, author and co-creator of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, give an interview with Oprah Winfrey on her show Super Soul Sunday- a show that has become my I can't-get-to-church-but-I-still-really-want-to-be-spiritually-uplifted-on-a-Sunday strategy. He described the internal emotional and cognitive turmoil that we all experience as a wave in the ocean that is variable to light or harsh weather conditions, and the trick is to be intentional and aware when the wave is moving through us so we can be skillful with it to avoid getting pulled under or knocked down.
One strategy I have always liked with this analogy is to use image of going under the turmoil, under the wave. I have written before since childhood I have loved swimming under water with my eyes open. To me, the underwater world has a quiet, calm and safe atmosphere like no other. So, when the difficult emotions come up, like feeling defeated, inadequate or conflicted in regards to my children's health or any other stressful situation, I can remember to dive down, underneath the suffering to the serenity that is always lying inside of me underneath the surface.
That is some of how I get through painful emotions, how about you?
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