Most folks have been introduced to the idea of small self and BIG SELF.
The frequent analogy used to illustrate this concept is the small self as one of an infinite number of drops of water in the ocean and the BIG SELF as the ocean itself. The idea is: one does not exist without the other, though paradoxically the small self is miniscule and the BIG SELF is so vast it is beyond the far reach of the horizon.
Another way I imagine these more esoteric concepts is the small self as my little itty-bitty ego and the BIG SELF as the universal divinity from which I came and to which I will return- though that is pretty darn esoteric as well…
When I first began to increase my awareness of these 2 different selves that co-existed within me, it was hard to not look down my nose at my small self.
I would sit down to meditate, and I would watch my small self immediately get activated as my mind restlessly moved around and my emotions swirled into a vortex that threatened to take the whole ship down with it. And it was all I could do to not literally, though sometimes I would, shake my head in disdain. “There she goes again…” I’d think, referring to my small self with exaggerated frustration.
As of late, however, I’m trying a more compassionate, loving, and dare I say integrative stance toward my small self.
This shift has been fostered by these words:
“Since death alone is certain, and the time of death is uncertain, what should I do?”
–By Stephen Batchelor, from Buddhism Without Beliefs.
And:
“Our lives do not belong to us. We are just taking care of them.”
-By Les Kaye, from “True Nature” in Mountains are Mountains and Rivers are Rivers: Applying Eastern Teachings to Everyday Life.
I have re-read each of these statements several times and then I have sat with them because both felt like important declarations to me; like riddles inside a puzzle, or in the Buddhist tradition like a koan in which the answer existed within the problem.
This process of contemplating led me to brainstorm, or free-associate, everything that I linked with my small self and my BIG SELF, and these are the lists I came up with:
My small self :
Very hard working Obstacles Rigid Unsatisfied Wanting Narrow Easily frustrated when stuck Stuck for longer Smart Tired Not enough Resourceful Scared Depleted Safety and security Isolation Loneliness Resilient Tough Rarely gives up Abandonment Small Loyal Terrified Hurt Neglect Hurried Protective Hate Care-taking Time-bound Resentment Boundaries Disappointment Limited Perseveres Strengths & weaknesses Concerned with past, present and future all the time Able to identify solutions Notices joyful “life is good” moments
My BIG SELF:
Awareness Generous Limitless Growth Expansion Clear-seeing Inter-connection Big Picture Runneth Over Consciousness Compassion Will be okay Universe Fearlessness Environment Deeply saddened by violence and harm Effortlessness Easy-going Open Agape-Love Hopeful Infinite Not overwhelmed when stuck Inter-being Abundant Integration Opportunity Un-rushed Able to identify solutions Effortless Mindful of cause and effect in relation to time Bountiful Creative Reality Wisdom The word “yes”
As you can imagine by these lists, it was genuinely difficult for me to hold a non-judgmental stance, as meditation encourages us to do, in order to not perceive my small self as bad and my BIG SELF as good.
However, the process led me to draw my small self as a tiny circle within the context of larger circle, my BIG SELF. Using this visual, I tried to internalize my BIG SELF as a guardian to my small self.
“Our lives do not belong to us. We are just taking care of them.”
I then strained to not view my small self as a burden, but rather as a baby, my baby, for whom it is an honor to walk this journey with as I watch and rejoice as the small self learns, grows and eventually disappears from sight.
“Since death alone is certain, and the time of death is uncertain, what should I do?”
Perhaps, then, also paradoxically, when I act from a place of greater loving-kindness toward my small self in meditation and in life, it will allow for more presence and visible experiences of my BIG SELF as well.
I will try such loving-kindness today. Will you?
No comments:
Post a Comment