I was recently talking with a friend of mine who I have known since we were 10 years-old. We were discussing the approaching of our big 4-0 birthday, and we both agreed how, now, we are much more comfortable in our own skin than we ever were in our early 30’s, 20’s, and especially our teens.
Similar to the process snakes go through when they shed their skin because their more youthful skin no longer serves them, it strikes me as analogous to the process a person goes through when they let go of their false self or ego.
It seems so ironic that we parents might take such special care to help nourish and protect a soul with a sturdy and stable ego, only to have the whole thing come down one day for the soul, or True Self, to live freely.
But honestly, as someone who remains herself in the process of letting go of false self and ego, it feels pretty damn good to keep shedding all this skin as I move closer and closer to my true self.
To borrow my friend’s language, which tends to be more colorful than my own, it makes me believe my 40’s will be as “epic” as she predicts.
To me, this unexpected paradoxical element in the arc of the development of Self is fascinating.
To put it simply, the bottom line is: if all goes well, if all the hard-won construction is complete on the house ego or false self and the soul or True Self is well nourished and protected, the next step is a spiritual practice in nonattachment to let the whole thing go.
What had been so carefully and thoughtfully constructed to house the jewel, as Franciscan priest and author Richard Rorh calls the True Self or soul in his book Immortal Diamond: The Search for our True Self, becomes obsolete.
I think of this process as similar to the process of making a mandala.
The creation of a mandala is a meditation of sorts that is made by monastics. In the process, monks and nuns work for many days straight for up to 10 hours a day to create intricate and creative designs out of colored grains of sand that in any other context would be considered works of art.
But the kicker comes in the last moments of the mandala meditation when the same monks and nuns who labored for days in concentrated skill and effort sweep away the entire mandala to nothing. It is the ultimate practice of what is thought of in Buddhist Psychology as nonattachment.
I think of this as exactly what the caregiver must do for the child, adolescent and young adult, or more accurately I suppose, what the child, adolescent or young adult must do for themselves.
If the house of ego was well constructed and renovated, with the same mindful attention as in the trimming of a bonsai tree, it will one day fade away to allow the True Self or jewel to shimmer in the sunlight for all to see. The soul no longer requires a house for protection because it is now savvy to the ways of the world and can skillfully navigate pain and harm.
So the question is, who do we know who has successfully made it through this comprehensive developmental process?
Well, some of the famous people we all might know from a distance. Names that come to my mind are Dr. Maya Angelou, Sylvia Boorstein, the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Thich Nhat Hanh, among many others.
These individuals looked confident and competent. They seemed to walk with their heads up with integrity, but not superiority. These individuals gave the impression of greatness and humility. They appeared to have an ease about them, and were quick to laugh out loud and smile. These souls were often seen surrounded by others because people were drawn to their calm and graceful way of walking through the world.
I think each of these individuals was (or is) able to be so skillful in the art of living because s/he has allowed her/his false self or ego to fall away so that their naked soul or True Self can be viewed by all. This ability is such a courageous act because it leaves the Self so vulnerable and yet so exquisite because we get to see the breathtaking jewel inside.
To come full circle, it's like the classic children’s story we all know of The Velveteen Rabbit; the story of a stuffed animal bunny who transforms into a real rabbit.
The story begins with the stuffed toy bunny learning from the old toy rocking horse what it means to be real. The old rocking horse says:
“Real isn’t how you are made…It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
Then the stuffed bunny asks,
“Does it hurt?”
And the rocking horse replies,
“Sometimes.” But adds, “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
The stuffed bunny is wary though, and wants to know if the process is sudden or gradual. How does it unfold? And the rocking horse explains:
“It doesn’t happen all at once…You become. It is a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges…Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand…But once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
It’s just like that isn’t it? Moving from a False Self to True Self. Moving from a life where you walk the world with your shell of ego, to a life where your soul is exposed and yet you don’t feel helpless or in danger. Where the False Self of a stuffed bunny can fall away and, as if by the magic of a fairy, the True Self of the actual rabbit can emerge. Beautiful.
I like that the author of the Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams, knew it was in part the process of being loved hard through a caregiver’s validating mindful attention that allows for this magnificent unfolding to take place.
This progression is the quintessential caterpillar in the chrysalis who emerges as a butterfly.
As parents, we can never underestimate the value and necessity for our work in being the holding environment just like the chrysalis. Though unquestionably a daunting task, the piece of development in which we parents help the child soul become real because, in part, of our share played in the artistry of a well-constructed ego, however temporary it maybe, is critical to a development that will help the soul manage the dings and dents that are inevitable in the process of this emergence.
As in the story of The Velveteen Rabbit, it is the validation, mindfulness, life skills teaching, and modeling of how to manage stress, distress, and emotions that comes from caregivers that allows for the house of ego to be built, and consequently let go of, so that one unique soul can follow god’s will for it on this earth.
May it be so for all of us.
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