Housing a Soul, Part III: The Spiritual Task of Parenting

Renovating My Own House

So when I became a parent 7 years ago no one told me about the de facto self-examination that would emerge in the unfolding process of motherhood.  (Somebody really should have!)

On the other hand, one could also argue that the process of self-examination has helped me gain greater awareness as a parent to be more mindful of its various tasks (and minefields) including the spiritual development of each of my children.

When I think about the role of ego in the nourishment and protection of the soul, I’m reminded, to be candid, that 20^th century psychiatrist D.W. Winnicott’s famous phrase “good enough” is what I had.

This is not said with disdain or lack of gratitude.  I actually feel enormous relief (as an adult child, as a parent, and as a psychotherapist) that good enough in most cases will be sufficient.  It helps remind me of miraculous human capacities like resilience, neuroplasticity and one of my personal favorites: catching a second wind.  And because in my early life a solid foundation was constructed for a healthy ego development, I am extraordinarily grateful, because it kept my child soul safe and protected.

But later, as it became apparent my own caregivers, or construction workers, had to shift their attention to their own unfinished houses to attend to their own transitions to mid-life, my house was left incomplete, leaving me exposed and at times, vulnerable.  

In my case, the construction workers left the job site half done.  

What’s more, I was not aware of this for some time, and rather than picking up my own hammer to work on my own house of ego, instead, I began to work on the fragmented areas of my caregivers’ houses.  Not realizing at the time that the roles had flipped, I began to work on shoring up the very foundation of one parent’s house and became the home décor, Nate Berkus expert for the other parent’s house to build up their real estate value of ego, while unknowingly neglecting my own.

There did come a point though in my early 30’s when I decided it was imperative that I turn my attention back toward myself to work on my own house of ego again.  This decision was born of my new role as a parent.

For you parents out there, this is probably not surprisingly to you.  Sure, it meant finding a new team of carpenters to help me. But this time, I myself was head foreman, and it didn’t even feel like a choice honestly.  I knew I could no longer work on my caregivers’ houses anymore, which regrettably left them somewhat confused and exposed for a brief time. 

This process of my own home renovation ended up being far more comprehensive than initially thought (as most home projects are), and it included several spiritual milestones like: a pilgrimage, a ceremony officiated by a reverend, a radical decision to speak honestly rather than politely (even if it meant conflict with people I love).

This chapter in my spiritual life ended with me fully knowing and believing, for the first time in my life, that I am actually a child of god, not my parents.

Now, I love my house.  I still tweak this and adjust that, but I feel like the major renovations are complete.

This makes me feel more available for working on my children’s houses to help them develop an ego structure that will help them nourish and protect their own souls until the time may come, maybe in this lifetime, when they feel ready and able to let all of the scaffolding come down- to become real.

This blog entry is the 3^rd in a 6 Part Series.

To be continued…