I’ve heard Jesuit Priest and Author James Martin say “compare and despair.” What I believe he means by this statement is that our thinking about how we don’t measure up to the person next to us (e.g. their job compared to my job, their body compared to my body) is a pretty sure fire way to feel lousy. I use this reminder sometimes in my work with patients as a psychotherapist because I think Father Martin is correct that many people can very easily slip down this rabbit hole.
Interestingly though, for me, comparison has never really been like that. I am someone who is quite easily inspired by others- like, ridiculously inspired. Put a good ESPN sports montage in front of me set to Kelly Clarkson music, and I’m in tears. I think it’s because comparison is a strategy I use to figure out how to survive something, or less dramatically, to get through something difficult. For example, how I incorporate marathon swimmer Diana Nyad’s motto, “Find a Way.”
Diana Nyad is the woman who at age 64 swam from Cuba to Florida in 2013. “Find a Way” was the mantra she said to herself over and over during the 53 hour, 103 miles of crossing.
In an interview with CNN afterward she said during the swim she just kept repeating to herself in moments that she felt she just could not go on, "You don't like it. It's not doing well. Find a way.” She added in the interview, “We should never, ever give up.”
I have moments of wanting to give up or quit. Not anything specific per se, more like just a general sentiment during times of adversity and feeling defeated. Recently I was driving with my husband to a hospital to visit a family member and I said to him “I quit.” And he calmly responded, “Quit what?...” And I said, “I don’t know, but something.” It’s like I am that little blue engine in the children’s book The Little Engine That Could, but instead of saying “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.” I am saying “I can’t do it. I can’t do it. I can’t do it anymore.” Fill in the blank for the “it” because god knows it is a movable target.
During times such as this, someone of the Hindu faith might begin to pray to Ganesh (the god in the form of the elephant) because he is the remover of obstacles. But as a non-Hindu, I just try to recall stories, like that of Diana Nyad.
I try to remind myself that Ms. Nyad did not cross The Gulf of Mexico on the first try. She did not have a linear path toward her goal. Her crossing in 2013 was the 5th attempt since 1978, and the 4th since turning 60, and in the same CNN interview she referred to these tries as “gut-wrenching setbacks.” Even during the final swim, Ms. Nyad said she would stop swimming (but not get out of the water) and tell her coach, who was traveling alongside her in a boat, that she just could not go one mile further, and the coach would say just swim till sunrise, just till then; or the swimmer would rest in the water and sing herself lullabies to relax the emerging tension.
I try to remind myself that Ms. Nyad did not cross The Gulf of Mexico on the first try. She did not have a linear path toward her goal. Her crossing in 2013 was the 5th attempt since 1978, and the 4th since turning 60, and in the same CNN interview she referred to these tries as “gut-wrenching setbacks.” Even during the final swim, Ms. Nyad said she would stop swimming (but not get out of the water) and tell her coach, who was traveling alongside her in a boat, that she just could not go one mile further, and the coach would say just swim till sunrise, just till then; or the swimmer would rest in the water and sing herself lullabies to relax the emerging tension.
I find stories such as these deeply inspiring. But also reality checks that the paths that I am walking are not straight and narrow. These paths are filled with obstacles of all shapes and sizes, and there will be times when I just need to sit down on a bench alongside the path to rest for a while. A time to catch my breath, maybe talk to a “coach,” and have a drink of water, before I can gather my strength again to get back up and keep walking.
The photo I attached to this blog is one I took 14 years ago when I was traveling in southern India. The balancing boulder in the center is nicknamed “Krishna’s Butterball.” I go back to this picture every so often when I need a reminder to persevere. When I need to continue on a path that feels as impossible as balancing this gigantic boulder on top of a mountain made of stone. When I need to “Find a Way.”
How do you find ways to persevere during times of adversity?
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