Releasing Attachments

In these past weeks that I have not been posting in this blog I have been facing some hard lessons in the area of attachments.  Life has handed me a series of opportunities to look at the way I cling.  The way I cling to people, places, ideas, plans, material stuff, agendas, itineraries, relationships, and then some.

Yup, I’m a clinger.

I suppose if I was a more enlightened gal, this post would therefore be all about my gratitude for these recent lessons.  Words would flow about how I see the beauty and synchronicity in the perfectly timed obstacles put forth by the universe to challenge me in the areas of myself that warrant growth and transformation- like for instance, my tendency to cling.

However, regrettably, I am not that gal.  And most recently, I must humbly admit that I was more like the 2 year-old you see in the grocery store stomping her feet and yelling “But it’s not fair! I want what I want, and I want it now!  I want it my way!”

It’s not that I want to be behave this way.  In fact, I can list a bunch of disadvantages to this clinging behavior right here on the spot:

1.) It doesn’t help, 

2.) It makes you feel all miserable and yucky inside (a.k.a. suffering),

3.) It doesn’t make for great company with others,

4.) It gives the sensation of feeling stuck in life, 

5.) It is the main behavioral contributor to the “poor me’s” which is never good.

But how do we release our attachments?  What is the step by step guide to this spiritual endeavor? Where can I buy a copy of “Releasing Attachments for Dummies?”

Well, I’ve recently been enjoying some reading of Ignatian Spirituality, and they offer some suggestions.

St. Ignatius  Loyola was an early 16th century Christian founded the Society of Jesus or the Jesuits, of which the current Pope, Pope Francis, is a part of.  And from this order came something called Ignatian Spirituality. Though I am not a Christian myself, I have found two concepts from this religious order to be quite helpful as I try to pry my quite controlling fingers off the wheel of my car of life.

One idea, as I understand it, is to look at what Jesuits call my “disordered attachments.” These are any and all of those same people, places, ideas, plans, material stuff, agendas, itineraries, and relationships that interfere with me having direct relationship with god.  It means considering, for instance, my habit of seeing myself as an island unto herself who will often decide “to just do it myself” because I somehow make myself believe that that is the easier path, which of course, it isn’t.  

Ignatian Spirituality suggests that the gift of releasing my disordered attachments is not only greater closeness with god, but also the “F” word- Freedom. 

Now I must say, dangling the “F” word right in front of my nose is absolutely a carrot to encourage me to take the less comfortable road that yields greater spiritual fruit.  The hope for freedom is what attracted me to Buddhist practices as well.  I just have to make sure that my hope for freedom does not turn into a craving or another idea to cling to- in other words, a disordered attachment.

The second idea I’ve taken from Ignatian Spirituality recently is called “Agere Contra” which means “To Act Against.”  My understanding of this practice is to act opposite to the urges or the behaviors that I want to engage in that hold me back from being free.

Some Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapists might look at this concept and say: "There's nothing novel about this practice. That's good ol' fashion exposure therapy which we do all the time to treat Phobias."

As a psychotherapist myself, to that remark I would say two replies. One, Ignatian Spirituality came about centuries before CBT, so maybe a respectful nod of thanks toward religion might be warranted. And second, to say that Agere Contra is the same thing as Exposure Therapy is like saying Dr. Martin Luther King was just taking a walk with friends the day he marched from Selma to Montgomery in the famous Civil Rights March a half century ago. The two are just not the same.

I think it is one thing to intentionally engage our minds and our behaviors, but when we make it a trifecta that includes our heart or our souls, something miraculous shifts inside of us that forever changes the way we relate to life as a whole. 

Most of us have at one time or another lived within the narrow confines of our own comfort zone because, even if it wasn’t comfortable, it was familiar.  During these times we were meeting our needs for safety and security.  But then, we found that rather than being served by the comfort zone, we were hindered by it. Now, the comfort zone is no longer helpful because we are actually hiding out there because of doubt, insecurity, willfulness, and rigidity.  We are keeping ourselves stuck in a self-made bubble that allows for no oxygen to breathe in new life.

Agere contra is an Ignatian practice that helps us to move in the opposite direction of our comfort zone in order to release those attachments that prevent us from experiencing spaciousness and  freedom in our lives.

This is not to say that we don’t respect our own limits.  The goal is not to become unglued and too overwhelmed that we are unable to keep putting one foot in front of the other.   Safety and security remain critical.  They remain the foundation of Abraham Maslow’s famous Hierarchy of Needs.  

But what I’m learning is sometimes a preoccupation, or disordered attachment, with one area of our lives prevents us from nurturing another area.  And in this case, beginning to release our stronghold grip on that person, place, idea, plan, material thing, agenda, itinerary, or relationship could be just what the doctor ordered, or at least god anyway.

Where I continue to get stuck is when I think my attachment is perfectly healthy and serving me well—like a specific vocational goal I have for myself—and then god swoops in with completely different view.  When I think I am going to move myself in exactly the direction I want to go in, in the exact timeframe that I want to move in.  Then suddenly, god suggests I practice Agere Contra in order to become free from my well-designed (and desired) attachments…

So it goes…I suppose that’s why spiritual practices are so humbling.  They reveal all of the juicy, smelly, tender parts of our humanity.

How do you release attachments? What practices help you to do this?