Presence is divine

I currently have 2 bottles of amoxicillin 400 mg in my refrigerator, one for each of my children. Two teaspoons for my son twice a day to treat pneumonia.  One teaspoon for my daughter twice a day to treat a double ear infection. Fun times...

Of course I am being facetious here.  There have actually been several quite heart-wrenching moments in these last few days.  Holding my children in my arms as they were miserable and in pain, and feeling completely helpless and inadequate in my ability to take away their suffering.  Because, for some reason, I still have not accepted yet--5+ years into the parenting experience--that I cannot take away their suffering. I can, however, be with them while they go through it.

I have recently been  thinking about whether or not the god of my imagination finds him or herself in the same predicament as I do as a parent.  Does god have the capacity to take away the misery and pain that we human beings suffer? Or is god merely with us in these dark times?  Unable to intervene. Unable to alter the course of things or take away the transgressions.  But fully able and willing to hold and rock and whisper to us as we go through this human experience.  Sometimes I think I know my own answer to those questions, but then I find myself on my proverbial knees praying for exactly what I want god to do for me?

I recently wrote this in the "Notes" section of my iPhone.  I do that sometimes to empty out all the words that swarm around in my mind.  I wrote: "god is in between the notes in the music.  god is in the transition from one yoga posture to another.  god is the breath of silence between two people in conversation.  god is present in the dawn and the dusk. god is in the moment just before a kiss.  god is there the hour before the doctor gives the diagnosis.  god is that untouchable, unknowable, untraceable mysterious space where anything is possible.  Where past, present and future converge into one stillpoint.  Where all is perfect.  Imperfect and all."

Reading this again, I still believe this.  But, upon deeper reflection,  I begin to knit my brows in wonder, "is god really in or is god with?" Which preposition is correct?  In my own personal theology I've come to agree with folks like Unitarian Universalist Chaplain Kate Braestrup and now deceased UU Reverend Forrest Church who had both talked publicly and wrote about their belief that god is not an interventionist in our human lives.  Which is another way of saying, like me as a parent, god cannot take away the pain and suffering of us human beings.  But god can, and does, show up as presence in our lives to love us as  we move through these seemingly unbearable experiences.  And to paraphrase Anne Lamott in her book Operating Instructions "it's not enough, except it is."

I will try to remember god is with me, just as I am with my children, during times of darkness. 

I will also try to remember god's presence in the next few weeks while a very important person in my life will have surgery to treat her recently diagnosed breast cancer.  I am scared for her.  And I am helpless.  But despite my powerlessness, I will try to not lose sight of the value of showing up for another in times of dread and devastation. Fear and frustration.  To be with her.  Knowing full well, "it's not enough, except it is."  After all, god does, right?