Yesterday I went to my very first all day meditation retreat. It was held on a campus of a former monastery on over 50 acres of New England woods. We lucked out with one of those perfect autumn days where the sky is this gorgeous shade of sea blue, the temperature is a comfortable low 60 degrees, and a soft breeze helps you hear the quiet rainfall of leaves dropping in preparation for winter. This made for a picturesque setting for our outdoors walking meditations.
Suffice it to say, the day was amazing. Something I've had on my wish list for many years. And something I plan to write about more in days to come. But something that presented itself early in the day, before I even got to the retreat, that was tricky to navigate and tolerate was mommy-guilt.
I suppose you could argue I should not have been surprised. Mommy-guilt is a plague as ubiquitous as the common cold in twenty first century working moms' lives. This always lurking, sure to ruin a good time, set of thoughts and feelings that generally confirm your unworthiness as a mother. And, if it truly is analogous to the common cold, then there is no vaccine and no cure. The best you can do is take care of your over-all wellness and boost your immune system.
How do we do this? For me, I choose to nourish and cultivate my whole person. Doing these two things truly does make me a better mother and human being in the long run. If I take time to develop
a deep rich completive life, I am a more balanced, grounded and compassionate human being- which absolutely makes for better parenting. Also, I want to model a spiritual life for my children. I once was told that social modeling (copying what you see others doing) is the number one way kids learn thought and behavior patterns. Well, if that's true I want my son and daughter to grow up to have lives that are meaningful and well rounded including, hopefully, a spiritual life.
But that is all the long view of course...The short view is a kindergarten age boy in his footy pajamas saying to me as I'm getting dressed to go out for a full Saturday of silent meditation after having worked full- time Monday through Friday, "mommy, what time will you be home? After it's dark?" And your heart breaks.
Of course I prepared. I pumped extra breast milk. I planned to do something extra fun Saturday night-a Halloween Parade-and I did more housework during the week so I'd be able to do quality time with my kids on Sunday. You know- overcompensation. But I still had mommy-guilt set in anyway as I pulled out of the driveway in the early morning hours.
It's hard, you know? To know one thing to be true, but to have your feelings betray you. A little ways back I had referred to some books I was reading by author Joan Anderson. She was a woman in her 50's who one day separated from her husband after her children were grown because she felt "unfinished." She described a chronic neglect of herself earlier in her marriage and parenting years that left profound deficits inside of her. She wrote in "A Walk on the Beach" that she had spent years, decades, confusing "serving" others with "loving"others.
I don't want that to be me. And it could in an instant. When we mothers are dutiful, meeting every need of our family's before it is even articulated, we are initially put on a pedestal of sainthood. And it can feel good for a while especially if we ourselves also volunteer some martyrdom to go on top- like a cherry topping off a sundae.
But I can tell you, it doesn't last. It can't. The more you are seen in a one-dimensional mommy way (both by children, spouse and you yourself) you don't ultimate become a hero, you become invisible. Your own desires, interests and dreams get swallowed up. The nuanced four-dimensional woman that was yourself is no longer recognized by others, and sometimes I fear by yourself as well.
So what are we to do? How do we and our families not confuse "serving with loving ?" How do we model a whole self for our sons and daughters, not a fractioned self?
I think walking this difficult path of four dimensional, rather than one dimensional, womanhood requires an ability to tolerate difficult emotions like guilt. It means letting go of our old people-pleasing M. O. in order to grow into the complex individuals that we are. It means pursuing our longer term life goals of equanimity and balance in the context of dealing with short term struggles like temper tantrums and anger outbursts- and the kids may have them too!
The pay-off will be worth it though. It was yesterday. I came home after the nine hours of Mindfulness Meditation retreat and I felt renewed. I felt more attentive and kind to each of my children and my husband. At the Halloween Parade I took my little baby pumpkin and my big boy Thor to after the retreat I felt alert and awake- like my body, mind and emotions finally all showed up to the same place at the same time.
I told my husband, I felt like I had gone through a detox of the mind, and I know I will do this again. The meditation retreat is likely to be a practice I do regularly. Whether it be a half a day or at some point, a full nine days. And as my children are a young 5 year-old and not quite 1 year old, mommy guilt will just be a part of that picture for a while. And that's okay. As I practiced yesterday at the retreat, I will just notice the guilt, let it go, and come back to my breath, in this present moment.
Perhaps you can do this too.
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