Sometimes I imagine taking one of those women's magazine-style relationship quizzes, like you see in Cosmo, about my relationship with god. Instead of figuring out what kind of lover I am or whether my guy is a keeper, I'd take that self evaluation to assess the state of a different union, mine with god.
Now I must tell you, even to write such a statement, relationship with god, still looks so foreign and frankly a little bit koo-koo to me. My overly intellectualized, secular-upbringing voice inside my head wants to regain control by shouting, "what on earth are you talking about? You sound ridiculous!" But I try to quiet that voice. Not with criticism or harshness. With a soft, kind reassuring voice that says, "ok, I heard you." And then just keep moving forward. Even if it is with trepidation and uncertainty on this whole god journey.
So what might that relationship quiz look like? For me it would be a lightweight, sort of humorous assessment of how things are going in the relationship-with-god-department.
Questions #1 Have you learned to trust god?
Circle the Answer that Best fits:
Yes, No, Maybe.
Question#2 How often do you spend quality time with god?
Circle the Answer that Best fits:
Several times a day.
Once a day.
Once a week.
Once a month.
Once a year.
For some people I would imagine the suggestion of light humor when considering god might be objectionable, and maybe even disrespectful. If your representation of god is that of something serious, fearful or shameful, I could very much understand why this suggestion might be pretty far in left field.
But for me, as my relationship with god has unfolded over these last several years, and continues to do so, I have resonated with writers like Anne Lamott who, in one of her books, described god as like a best girlfriend who would kick you under the table if you were about to put your foot in your mouth at a social gathering. To me, that is funny, but also an accurate analogy for relationship with god.
I was recently at dinner with a friend who grew up Catholic, including several years of parochial school. I told her that from a perspective of best practices in religions, I love the idea of being able to just sit in a church whenever I wanted to pray or to go once a day or once a week and talk to my spiritual advisor. I was of course alluding to my interpretation of the phrase "go to church and pray about it" and confession in Catholicism. But my friend, who loves me dearly, looked at me like I had 3 heads. She said, when she was instructed and forced (her word) to do both of those religious practices (for her they were not spiritual) including in her elementary school, it was neither light nor humorous, and not helpful or nurturing for her either. It was not felt as an accepting, loving, forgiving experience. It was meant to be shameful, fear provoking, with a sense of "do it or else!..." And what came after those three dots was anyone's guess, but there was no doubt it would be bad. That depiction and description of god is just not true for me.
Another catholic friend, or friend raised catholic, (yeah I have a lot of them) said to me, "Claire, what would happen if you didn't go to church one day?" And my answer was, "nothing." She was utterly perplexed by this. Now I say "nothing," which is not to say that I would of course miss opportunities for community, spiritual learning and growth, etc. But as far as my relationship with god, I'd still say, "nothing." We are good whether I go to church on a Sunday morning or sleep in as long as my kids and husband would let me.
Which has led me to think and read about the idea of attachment theory in psychological development in terms of relationship with god. Attachment Theory was developed by a couple of important people in the field of psychology named John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. It is a theory about how children develop styles of attachment to their caregivers, and that style or working model can become a blueprint of sorts for future relationships in adulthood. In attachment theory there are 4 styles of attachment:
Secure
Anxious-preoccupied
Dismissive-avoidant
Fearful-avoidant.
I have heard some slight variations to these names, but there seems to be general agreement about what each relationship pattern looks like.
This is of course not rocket science. Most of us at some point or another have taken some time to look at our own patterns in relationships and considered how our childhood relationship experiences are possibly replicating themselves in the present. We may have asked ourselves one or more of these questions in the context of our relationships:
How do I respond to authority?
Do I fear abandonment?
Can I accept constructive criticism?
Am I treated with dignity and respect?
Do I create relationships with people who are able to meet my needs?
Can I say no?
Can I tolerate someone not liking me or being angry with me?
And if we notice a particular problematic pattern or dynamic to our relationships, we work on it. We change it. Not to say it's easy, but it is do-able.
But what about with god? For some people, like my friend who went to parochial school, a particular attachment style was both modeled socially and dictated to her. Some might call it anxious-preoccupied, others might call it fearful-avoidant. But, it was certainly not meant to be secure, which, put simply, is an unconditionally loving relationship.
Depak Chopra wrote a book called "How To Know God" and in it he talks about this very issue. He says: "...Your own spiritual life is based on habitual or even unconscious reflex...On the material plane, the brain is our only way of registering reality, and spirit must be filtered through biology." Mr. Chopra then lists what he calls "The Seven Stages of God."
1.) Fight or flight
2.) Reactive
3.) Restful awareness
4.) Intuitive
5.) Creative
6.) Visionary
7.) Sacred.
I find all of this fascinating. How all of these social, psychological and historical factors can come together to contribute to this very complex and multilayer relationship with god. And how the style or pattern of relationship with god may or may not evolve and change over the course of our lives.
So what does this all mean? For me, at the end of my relationship quiz, I would describe my relationship with god as a secure attachment and somewhere between #3 Restful Awareness and #7 Sacred on Mr. Chopra's Stages of God. It is one of my handful of relationships that I actually feel radically genuine and unconditionally accepted. And it is my wish that others, including my husband and children, feel the same.
But let me ask you, what is the status of your relationship with god?
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