When Ego Reigns

(elephantjournal.com)

There are certain times of the year when my ego seems to be calling all the shots.  Times when my ego feels nothing less than tyrannical, and that I am in a losing battle of 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

The top 5 are the following:

Thanksgiving
Christmas
Mother's Day
Father's Day
My Birthday.

When I say "ego," I mean all the "my," "me," and "mine" moments.  My story. My feelings.  My perspective. That hurt me. How could you do that to me. That was mine. 

All those moments that, put together, create a self that feels as concrete as New York City.

And as you can see by the list, May through December is when I collect (or maybe hoard) a whole series of "me" moments in a 7 month timeframe, and now, I am heading into what I call the double header: Thanksgiving & Christmas.

I must admit, these times are not what I would call my "best self."

No, in fact they tend to bring out what I would call my own 7 deadly sins.

I know that the word "sin" can bring up a whole lot of Christian baggage for some- like my Catholic friends who still refuse to even set foot on church property. 

But here, I am using the word more expansively.  More akin to this definition put forth by author Kathleen Norris in her book Acedia & Me:

To comprehend that something is wrong, and choose to do it anyway.

Here are a few of my dysfunctional Mind States and Behaviors or "sins" is you will:

-Self-pity
-Despair & Sorrow
-Helplessness
-Hopelessness
-Crotchety Irritability (Think Scrooge)
-Binge-watching CNN
-Isolating from friends
-Buying clothes I don't need from consignment shops
-Randomly eating whatever food I can find (typically standing up while leaning over the counter)
-Considering drinking more red wine, but then feeling guilty about it because of all the alcoholism that runs in my family.

Okay, so that is actually 10 deadly sins, I guess I have more than most people...But maybe that is why it seems like my ego needs a really strong anti-inflammatory or steroid like prednisone to get the "Me" back down to size.

And the frustrating thing is, I do know how not-useful these Mind States and Behaviors are- I do have insight. I do have awareness.  And yet...seemingly like clockwork, down the rabbit hole I go.

Really fast.

It's like dominoes, or better yet, quick sand. The more I struggle with one, say self-pity, the more vulnerable I am to another like isolating.

Just yesterday, in a conversation with my new officemate, I had another reminder that everyone else around me does not fall prey to these same Mind States and Behaviors during the holidays.

We were discussing how where we live in the world, at this time of year we change the clocks back by one hour in order to give us one more hour of light in the morning, and one less hour of light at nighttime when the darkness of late fall and winter are upon us, and then my officemate startled me with this gleeful statement:

You know what changing the clocks always reminds me of?

More darkness? I guessed.

My officemate now beaming with joy, The Holidays!

To which my immediate reaction was: Oh god, you aren't going to decorate our office are you?!

Not that there is anything wrong with that...I quickly added.

The thing is, I would actually love to be that person who is not bothered at all by the Santa Claus-climbing-down-the-chimney wall-hanging my officemate says she plans to bring in.

(No, I mean I really would!)

Because that would mean that I was able to actually untangle myself from all the my, me, and mine that during the holidays get's me as tied up as a dolphin in a fishnet.

It would mean I was actually able to consistently practice the "N" in RAIN, and not let my ego be the captain of my ship during these 5 times of the year.

For those of you who are not familiar with the acronym RAIN, it stands for:

R- Recognize what is happening
A – Allow life to be just as it is
I – Investigate inner experience with kindness
N – Non-Identification.

This acronym is used by many teachers and writers (e.g. Tara Brach, Stephen Cope, Jack Kornfield) who are interested in using strategies from mindfulness and Buddhist psychology to skillfully regulate emotions.

I find RAIN to be very helpful myself, but that pesty "N" for Non-Identification with ego is the one that still trips me up the most- especially during the big 5 I mentioned above..

On her website, Buddhist teacher, author and psychologist Tara Brach says this about Non-Identification:

Non-identification means that your sense of who you are is not fused with or defined by any limited set of emotions, sensations or stories. When identification with the small self is loosened, we begin to intuit and live from the openness and love that express our natural awareness.

What's interesting though, is Ms. Brach suggests that we need not put forth a kind of effort to engage Non-Identification.  On the contrary, she writes that if we skillfully practice: Recognize, Allow and Investigate:

the N of RAIN expresses the result: a liberating realization of your natural awareness. There’s nothing to do for this last part of RAIN—realization arises spontaneously, on its own. We simply rest in natural awareness.

What? No efforting. No forcing. No shaming...A total mind shift for me.

It's so hard for me, it makes me wish sometimes that I had a Jesuit Priest friend like Gregory Boyle who works with gang members at an organization called Homeboy Industries in Los Angeles, and I'd imagine him saying to me in the midst of my ego-rabbit-hole moment in the most compassionate and loving way as he does in his book Tattoos on the Heart:

Close both eyes; see with the other one. Then, we are no longer saddled by the burden of our persistent judgments, our ceaseless withholding, our constant exclusion. Our sphere has widened, and we find ourselves, quite unexpectedly, in a new, expansive location, in a place of endless acceptance and infinite love.

Spiritual writer Anne Lamott is frequently referring to her Jesuit friend Tom in many of her books, and I have vicariously indulged in several of his wonderful words of advice to Ms. Lamott when she too has described whirlwind moments when she can't seem to get out of her own way.

Like this moment in Small Victories: Spotting Improbable Moments of Grace when Father Tom responds to this statement by Anne Lamott to him:

I want to know what to do. Where we even start.

He says:

We start by being kind to ourselves. We breathe, we eat. We remember that God is present wherever people suffer. God's here with us when we're miserable, and God is in Iraq. The suffering of innocent people draws God close to them.

Yeah, I really wish I had a Jesuit Friend like Father Greg or a Father Tom to help me through these moments when my ego reigns- when I feel as fragile as an eggshell.

In the meantime though, I will continue to follow Tara Brach's advice and practice my Recognize, Allow, and Investigate in RAIN, and maybe one day the liberation of  Non-identification will come to break me from the dictatorial chains of ego.

I will also, on occasion, fall back on a proverb by the Ojibwe, a native people of the northern United States and southern Canada:

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky.

May it be so.

Kindred Spirits: Alice Walker

In her 1989 book The Temple of My Familiar author Alice Walker wrote The Gospel According to Shug.

Shug, to remind readers, is the flamboyant and loving jazz singer in Alice Walker’s 1983 novel The Color Purple that won the Pulitzer Prize and was made into the 1985 film and later stage production by the same name.

The Gospel According to Shug is written in similar form to the Christian Beatitudes found in the Gospel of Matthew that recounts Jesus’ teachings in The Sermon on the Mount promoting mercy, spirituality and compassion.

Though a non-Christian, I have always liked the Beatitudes because, paradoxically, in the Beatitudes groups of people who are typically thought to be unfortunate or disenfranchised are named as blessed.

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn: for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek: for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they will be called children of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

But then, roughly two thousand years later, the Beatitudes are colorfully renewed by Alice Walker here in The Gospel According to Shug.

Enjoy.

HELPED are those who are content to be themselves; they will never lack mystery in their lives and the joys of self-discovery will be constant.

HELPED are those who love the entire cosmos rather than their own tiny country, city, or farm, for to them will be shown the unbroken web of life and the meaning of infinity.

HELPED are those who live in quietness, knowing neither brand name nor fad; they shall live every day as if in eternity, and each moment shall be as full as it is long.

HELPED are those who love others un-split off from their faults; to them will be given clarity of vision.

HELPED are those who create anything at all, for they shall relive the thrill of their own conception, and realize a partnership in the creation of the Universe that keeps them responsible and cheerful.

HELPED are those who love the Earth, their mother, and who willingly suffer that she may not die; in their grief over her pain they will weep rivers of blood, and in their joy in her lively response to love, they will converse with the trees.

HELPED are those whose ever act is a prayer for harmony in the Universe, for they are the restorers of balance to our planet. To them will be given the insight that every good act done anywhere in the cosmos welcomes the life of an animal or a child.

HELPED are those who risk themselves for others' sakes; to them will be given increasing opportunities for ever greater risks. Theirs will be a vision of the word in which no one's gift is despised or lost.

HELPED are those who strive to give up their anger; their reward will be that in any confrontation their first thoughts will never be of violence or of war.

HELPED are those whose every act is a prayer for peace; on them depends the future of the world.

HELPED are those who forgive; their reward shall be forgiveness of every evil done to them. It will be in their power, therefore, to envision the new Earth.

HELPED are those who are shown the existence of the Creator's magic in the Universe; they shall experience delight and astonishment without ceasing.

HELPED are those who laugh with a pure heart; theirs will be the company of the jolly righteous.

HELPED are those who love all the colors of all the human beings, as they love all the colors of the animals and plants; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the lesbian, the gay, and the straight, as they love the sun, the moon, and the stars. None of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who love the broken and the whole; none of their children, nor any of their ancestors, nor any parts of themselves, shall be hidden from them.

HELPED are those who do not join mobs; theirs shall be the understanding that to attack in anger is to murder in confusion.

HELPED are those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another--plant, animal, river, or human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid.

HELPED are those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass.

HELPED are those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differences.

HELPED are those who KNOW.

Please pass Shug’s gospel along to anyone who may need her wisdom on this day.

Posttraumatic Growth, Jesus & the Lotus in a Spiritual Democracy

I read a news story this week that made me feel like I am actually now living in Margaret Atwood's famous novel, that was recently made into a television series, The Handmaid's Tale.

The title of the article on NPR.org was "Court Puts A Hold On Order That Approved Undocumented Teen's Abortion."

The article told the story of a 17 year-old girl who left her home country by herself to enter the United States without immigration papers, and she was in early pregnancy.

Now in a detention center in Brownsville, Texas, according to court records, the minor stated that the U.S. federal government "forced me to obtain counseling from a religiously affiliated crisis pregnancy center where I was forced to look at the sonogram."

And even though a Texas judge had already approved the 17 year-old girl's right to an abortion earlier in the week, the U.S. federal government stepped in with an appeal to stop it.

Hearing this extremely disturbing story left me feeling vulnerable to my own capacity for more cynicism and despair--which I believe are fruitless rabbit holes that help no one--rather than inspired to continue to persevere, and do my part, to push our little green and blue globe in the direction of a spiritual democracy.

This vulnerability of mine has led me to think a lot more about the potentiality of the scientific evidence for something called Posttraumatic Growth, and how it overlaps with ancient spiritual, religious, philosophical, and literary ideas like enlightenment, and maybe democracy too.

Researchers in the Department of Psychology at the University of North Carolina Charlotte define Posttraumatic Growth as a:

Positive change experienced as a result of the struggle with a major life crisis or a traumatic event.

And researchers in this area of study identify 5 areas for potential transformation:

1.) A sense that new opportunities have emerged from the struggle, opening up possibilities that were not present before.
2.) A closer relationships with some specific people, and they can also experience an increased sense of connection to others who suffer.
3.) An increased sense of one’s own strength – “if I lived through that, I can face anything”.
4.) A greater appreciation for life in general.
5.) A deepening of spiritual life, which can also involve a significant change in one’s belief system.

If you or anyone you love have ever had the misfortune to go through a traumatic event, then you know first-hand that the toxicity of the awful event can continue to live inside you long after the event is over and done with; it is like a residue that corrodes your insides.

Yet, almost by a miracle (except that it is far more often and more common than a miracle), for many, this traumatic event is actually converted through the alchemy of Posttraumatic Growth into life opportunities, connection, strength, and appreciation.

So, what does Posttraumatic Growth look like? Who are these people?

In the public sphere, they are the Maya Angelous's. The Nelson Mandela's. The Christopher Reeve's. The Michael J. Fox's. The Malala Yousafzai's. The Gabrielle Gifford's. The Viktor Frankl's. The Robin Robert's.

And in your own life they are the aunt, the friend, the coworker, or the neighbor who you just completely admire and stand in awe of by the way they not only not survived, but actually thrived after a traumatic event.

What's interesting too, is human beings have been doing this for millennia.

Just listen to the words of Sufi mystic Jalal al-Din Rumi's 13th century poem called "Childhood Friends."

...An empty mirror and your worst
destructive habits, when they are held
up to each other,
that's when the real making begins.
That's what art and crafting are.

A tailor needs a torn garment to
practice his expertise. The trunks of
trees must be cut and cut again
so they can be used for fine carpentry.

Your doctor must have a broken leg to
doctor. Your defects are the ways that
glory gets manifested. Whoever sees
clearly what's diseased in himself
begins to gallop on the Way.

There is nothing worse
than thinking you are well enough.
More than anything, self-complacency
blocks the workmanship.

Put your vileness up to a mirror and
weep. Get that self-satisfaction flowing
out of you! Satan thought, "I am better
than Adam," and that *better than* is
still strongly in us.

Your stream-water may look clean,
but there's unstirred matter on the
bottom. Your Sheikh can dig a side
channel that will drain that waste off.

Trust your wound to a Teacher's surgery.
Flies collect on a wound. They cover it,
those flies of your self-protecting
feelings, your love for what you think
is yours.

Let a teacher wave away the flies
and put a plaster on the wound.

Don't turn your head. Keep looking at
the bandaged place. That's where the
light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment
that you're healing yourself.

The timelessness of the wisdom of Posttraumatic Growth is even written on the UNC website where the Posttraumatic Growth Research is being made public:

The idea that human beings can be changed by their encounters with life challenges, sometimes in radically positive ways, is not new. The theme is present in ancient spiritual and religious traditions, literature, and philosophy.

Therefore to me, it is utterly fascinating to investigate all of the age-old spiritual metaphors and language that invoke several of these same 5 areas of transfiguration described by the more modern scientific research.

Take for example these words by Jesus Christ from The Gospel of Thomas:

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you  do not bring forth will destroy you.

Ever since I was introduced to these words, probably over 10 years ago now, they have taken on new, deeper meaning and resonance as I have thereafter lived through multiple events that very well could have altered my life in a very detrimental way.

And how about the lotus?

The lotus, or the Nelumbo nucifera, is a type of flower that is an aquatic perennial who's roots are planted in the floor of a pond or river bottom, while the flower floats on the surface of the water.

In Buddhism the lotus is a metaphor for the enlightenment, purity and beauty (the flower) that can be born of suffering and pain in the form of attachment and desire (the mud or the soil), and in both Buddhist and Hindu texts and images, the lotus flower is frequently presented as a symbol of this spiritual promise or opportunity that is available to us all (deities and humans alike).

I don't know about for you, but when I hear god-awful stories like the one in Texas with the Federal Government interfering in the personal healthcare decisions of a 17 year-old girl, I need the scientific ideas like Posttraumatic Growth, and the words like those in The Gospel of Thomas, and the images like those of the lotus in Buddhism to help me remember that this moment in history will not be in vain.

Because as much as Posttraumatic Growth and enlightenment are possible on the micro level of the individual, in a spiritual democracy, they are also possible on the macro level of community, nationhood and the earth itself.

In fact, if we as a people, including our future generations, are to not only survive but to thrive, I would argue, global Posttraumatic growth and enlightenment are actually a necessity.

In that way, we may be able to embody writer, Civil Rights Activist and feminist Audre Lorde's inspiring words:

That visibility which makes us most vulnerable is that which is also the source of our greatest strength.

May it be so.

Spiritual Lessons From Nature Part IX: Mutuality

I never liked geese much growing up.

In my childhood, my dad kept a small group of them in the coop next to our hen house, and whenever I went down the small hill from our house to see if there were any chicken eggs to bring inside, the geese who lived just next door would scare me with their intimidatingly large bird bodies (I was a bit of a peanut) and brash, vulgar honks.

But this past summer, while on a 5-day silent meditation retreat, I learned a little bit more about geese that I found quite intriguing.

Though I can't remember now how the retreat teacher weaved this in, during one of their many dharma talks, they shared with us how geese engage in mutuality as a group in such a way that has an essence of interconnection, inclusivity and integrity.

For example, when geese fly together in a V formation, the formation itself allows each goose to gain additional lift and reduce air resistance for the goose flying behind it. Thereby, any goose who drops out of the V formation very quickly learns that flying alone requires more effort and energy to fly.

Also, geese rotate leadership positions. 

When the goose flying at the front of the V formation grows tired, it will move to the back of the formation where there is less air resistance.  This allows the tired goose to be carried in part by the larger group while its energy is depleted, and another goose will take the lead for a time.

But my favorite goose factoid of all, was this one...

When one goose drops out of formation because it has become ill or injured, two other geese will also leave the V formation to act as companions and protectors for the weakened goose. The two geese will remain with the incapacitated goose until it is able to fly again or it dies.

I have to say, ever since I learned these little golden nuggets about the interconnection, inclusivity and integrity of geese, I now can't look at them in quite the same way when they fly overhead my house.

It also has forever changed the way I read American poet Mary Oliver's poem "Wild Geese."

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Depending on where you live in the world, perhaps the next time you spot a group of birds flying in V formation (or any other), you may take a moment to acknowledge the elegance of nature's illustration of mutuality.