Praying for Acceptance

You know how there are some people who, when faced with adversity that is beyond their control, are super classy and elegant? They seem to just seamlessly move through the whole experience without a spot on them, and you think to yourself, how do they do it?

Well, I have a theory about those people because though I am not one of them, I’ve been watching them.  Not in a stalker kind of way, but more like a groupie.  I totally want to join their clique and be like them. It’s like junior high school all over again…but that is for another time. 

My theory is that these people whom I so admire do 3 steps really well when faced with a difficult situation that they cannot fix or change, and they do it in this order:

Step 1.) Surrender

Step 2.) Align with god 

(the universe, reality, the divine, mother earth, what have you)

Step 3.) Walk willingly.

Now, if you are familiar with twelve step programs and philosophy, you could argue that all I’ve done is outlined Steps 1, 3, and 12, and I’d have to agree with you.  But I say, if it ain’t broke, why fix it?  If you are not familiar with the 12 Steps, the three I’m talking about are:

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over [insert behavior here]- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to [insert to whom], and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Although, I must footnote here, my third step, “walk willingly,” is actually a phrase I heard from an interview with an American Catholic Nun named Simone Campbell who is an author and Executive Director of NETWORK. I interpret this phrase as the decision to no longer drag my feet as I accept god’s will in my life.

It can be so challenging for me to accept what I do not like or believe to be fair or just. And unfortunately, this struggle with acceptance can lead me to continue to try to problem-solve my way out of the difficulty despite substantial evidence that I am dealing with something beyond my control.  There is nothing to “do” with this problem anymore, which leaves me with the ever-so-unsatisfying choice of “being” with the problem. (Yuck!) Or worse, considering the possibility of shifting my paradigm so greatly so as not to even view the situation as a “problem” anymore but rather something else entirely. (Impossible!)

I once read a quote in a blog by Tara Brach, a Buddhist teacher and author wholiterally wrote the book on Radical Acceptance, that said: “Enlightenment is absolute cooperation with the inevitable.” Ms. Brach attributed these words to a Jesuit Priest named Anthony de Mello whom she described a modern day mystic.  I would think you’d have to be a mystic to be able to get to that deep level of trust and faith with god- which I’m sure is crucial for the 3 step practice I outlined above.

Mysticism fascinates me because whether it be in Judaism, Christianity or Islam, all faiths share the universal intimacy and privacy of the one on one relationship with god at its center in mysticism. Rather than focusing on the do’s and don’ts, the dogma or icon, it is the unconditionally loving grace of god that is foremost.

But how? How do we walk in the footsteps of mystics in order to “cooperate with the inevitable?”

I think one way might be to turn to prayer.

Author Anne Lamott wrote a book in 2012 called Help, Thanks,Wow: The Three Essential Prayers. I enjoyed this book, and all her others, but I got stuck on the “Help” prayer. 

“Help” certainly seems to be the prayer that would be the most appropriate and useful in my efforts to adapt myself to the laws of the universe (since the other way around doesn’t seem to be working). But the book left me contemplating the following: if I can only have 3 “essential” prayers for god, then can god only have 3 “essential” responses for me? And if so, what might they be to “Help?”

Then I remembered an interview I once saw between Oprah Winfrey and actress Kari Washington (the star of the television show Scandal) in which Ms. Washington said she subscribed to the belief that god only responds in 3 ways to our prayers:

1.)    Yes.

2.)    Not right now.

3.)    No, because I have another plan for you.

Well, if that is true, then I am back to square one again because now I’ve got to go back to Step One: Surrender.

So now I need a new prayer to help me accept the answers to my other prayers.  For this I turn to my own scrapbook of prayers (which is poetry, song lyrics and actually prayers) I’ve put together over the years. Here are a few:

“Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr

God 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Prayer by Thomas Merton

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

“Radiance Sutras,” Translated by Lorin Roche in Tara Brach’s True Refuge

There is a place in the heart where everything meets.

Go there if you want to find me.

Mind, senses, soul, eternity, all are here.

Are you there?

Enter the bowl of vastness that is the heart.

Give yourself to it with total abandon…

Once you know the way

the nature of attention with call you

to return, again and again,

and be saturated with knowing,

“I belong here, I am at home here.”

“Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace,” Saint Francis Prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.

“Amazing Grace”, partial lyrics by John Newton 

'Twas grace that taught

my heart to fear

and grace that fear relieved

how precious did

that grace appear

the hour i first believed

through many dangers

toils and snares

i have already come

'twas grace that brought me

safely thus far

and grace will lead me home

Prayer by Sylvia Boorstein

Sweetheart,

I can see that you are in pain.

Relax.

Take a breath.

Notice what is happening.

We’ll get through this together.

I can’t think of any better way to end this blog entry than Ms. Boorstein’s words, so I’ll say it one more time, “We’ll get through this together.” Amen and may it be so.

What prayers do you turn to when problem solving no longer exists and radical acceptance of the inevitable is the wisest course of action to take now?