Micro Moments of Mysticism

I know I should be writing about some variation of the gratitude theme, but that is just not what is inside of me. Not because I'm not filled with gratitude, I am. I have so many blessings in my life that when I sit down to reflect on each, I am easily moved to tears thinking, "how could I be so lucky?"

But gratitude is easy stuff for me, spiritually speaking.  It is why I choose to host the Thanksgiving holiday in my family. Aside from the fact that my husband ended up working 26 straight hours till 10 a.m. Thanksgiving morning which caused some stress for us, I generally just really enjoy all the preparations involved with the holiday. I take off the full week from work so that I can take several days to prepare the house and the food and the decorations. Making my dinner a symbolic gesture of the gratitude I carry with me throughout the year.

But in the past few weeks I've felt in a bit of a spiritual slump. Nothing I can specifically put my finger on per se as the causal factor, more a feeling.  I did have my last Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction class at the beginning of November, and sometimes there can be a feeling of letdown when a transforming experience comes to an end.  My infant daughter also began to wake up more often during the night and began to crawl and try to stand  up during the day, which has added an exhaustion factor which I wrote about in my last post. I'm not convinced though that these are the culprits of my spiritual lull. 

I think there could be a little bit of the proverbial what came first? The chicken or the egg in this situation.  I feel uninspired and fatigued, and therefore I meditate, pray, write, read and go to church less often.  And when I meditate, pray, write, read and go to church less often, I feel uninspired and fatigued.  Which came first though? Does it matter?

I have had some moments though. You know those moments in which it feels like time is standing still? Where you experience this heightened sense of, well, everything. When you look around you and for just those few seconds everything feels absolutely perfect just as it is.  Not because it is perfect, meaning: neat, tidy, in place. But because you experience this knowing that all is well.  For me, those are experiences of god. Are they the same for you?

I heard a rabbi named Lawrence Kushner speak on my favorite radio show "On Being" (apparently the only consistency in my life at this time...) about his definition of mysticism in terms of the Jewish mystical tradition Kabbalah, and he referred to these micro-moments of connection to god. I think he compared them to bite-size candy. Not a parting of the Red Sea.  Not a resurrection. A moment.  A moment so outwardly ordinary that an onlooker would not even  necessarily be able to notice the slight shift inside of you or me as the warmth washes over.

For me, in the last 2 days, these splendid moments have happened twice. Once while I was washing the wine glasses for my Thanksgiving table, and the second as I was holding my daughter in my arms as she fell off to sleep.  Now, on any other day I could be totally frazzled and overwhelmed with such everyday activities.  Or equally possible I could be completely bored with both, and escaping the minutia of such tasks by spinning off into the past or the future in my mind.  But for me, this is where grace comes in.  Because in each of those moments where I felt held and utterly still, I was making absolutely no effort whatsoever.  I was not trying or forcing, as I do in almost every other area of my life, it just happened. 

And you know what? I'll take it. Especially during these times of spiritual valleys, I will seize any and all experiences that god finds me to say hello, rather than the other way around.  And I will hold those moments in my heart for safe keeping.