"Leave room for yourself." I read this recently. It was the advice of a 92 year-old woman to her 50 something year-old mentee. Both women writers. Both women not your typical soccer moms, whatever that is. I love the wisdom composed here.
I think the message we get as mothers is there are only two poles where we can locate ourselves at any given time: good or bad. As in: am I being a "good" mother or a "bad" mother. Because, it must be one or the other. But whoever came up with that duality was, I swear, not a mother. We are far more complex than that simplistic categorization allows for. What's more, I resent the inherent set-up here, where we must face off with each other, mother to mother. What side of the line are you on? If I'm on good, you must be on bad. If I'm on bad, you must be on good. All this judgment. All this criticism of self and other.
But the "leave room for yourself" suggestion feels outside this narrow box constructed above.
Tomorrow I go back to work at the hospital. I've been off work for 9 consecutive days. Spending time with my children. Sleeping. Drinking coffee more slowly. Slowing down to a manageable pace. In fact, I don't think I said "hurry up" to my 5 year-old even once this past week. It was more like, "take your time, we're not in a rush." And that included getting him to the bus stop for 7:45 a.m. This past week it actually felt like I was doing one full-time job: parenting. Tomorrow, I go back to doing two full-time jobs: parenting and employment.
When I was on maternity leave I remember watching a YouTube video of Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love. At that time I was breast feeding 8-10 times a day and was growing desperate to fill my brain with something concrete because it felt like it was getting fudgy. In the video Ms. Gilbert was talking to an audience about an article she had read by self-help writer Martha Beck. According to Ms. Gilbert, Ms. Beck broke down modern American women into 4 categories: 1.) those who put their career first and are conflicted about it; 2.) those who put their children first and are conflicted about it; 3.) those who put their career and children first and are really conflicted about it; and lastly: 4.) the mystics.
As I return to work tomorrow after my first stretch of time off since my maternity leave last winter for my now one year-old daughter, I can see quite clearly how squarely I had been sitting in the #3 category. Trying so hard. Too hard. Forcing. Pushing. And truly no one (my children nor I) genuinely benefitting from all the efforting (a word I recently learned and am loving!).
I think the only way for me to move from category #3 of Really Conflicted to category #4 of Mystic would be to "leave room for myself." It will not be as much room as I would like. It never is. But something. Each day. Time I do not ask permission for or offer appreciation for. A time I set aside and use however I see fit that particularly day. Maybe I choose to go to sleep early because I am just falling over exhausted. Maybe I choose to watch back-to-back episodes of Grey's Anatomy. Maybe I choose to read, pray, write, meditate, do yoga, write an email to a friend. Whatever moves me. And I will not judge myself as good or bad as a result. I will instead compassionately say to myself: what do you need today? I will not be compartmentalizing myself into a "good mother" or "bad mother" category. I will just be taking a moment to remember myself. Saying: "Oh there you are, you're there."
To all the working mothers out there: this week, let go of the internal conflict, and just allow. And if you can, leave some room, each day, for yourself.
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