But
then I think, to really understand my parents, my kids would actually
have to have some understanding of my parents' parents.
Then
again, to understand my grandparents, then frankly my kids would need to
have some understanding of my great-grandparents.
And
so forth...
This photograph was taken of one of my 4 great-grandmothers.
Her name was Sarah, she was born at the end of the 19th century in the
northern midwestern United States, and I never met her.
My grandmother, a complex woman who could be both fascinating and cruel, was born in 1911, and was the eldest of Sarah's 4 children.
And if you fast forward to the end of my grandmother's life when both of her
younger sisters opted out of attending their own sister's funeral in January of 1997, you have to
wonder: What the hell happened there?
The truth
is, I will never know...
But looking at this photograph of Sarah, I see a very serious and proper woman.
One who I know taught elementary education and wrote her name on the inside
cover of her hardback copies of William Shakespeare's plays. A woman who did
not allow one drop of liquor into her home, I believe never once traveled out
of the state where she was born and raised, and always kept an impeccable
vegetable garden.
My grandmother on the other hand...began drinking everyday at about 1 p.m. for
her entire adult life. She began to travel out of the country beginning in
college when she took a ship to Cuba and later Europe and Africa. And she never
planted a garden- in fact I don't really remember her even eating vegetables.
In short, I think my grandmother and her mother, my great-grandmother Sarah,
were very different sorts of women, and I wonder how those differences played
themselves out in the life of their relationship and in the life
of the family where my grandmother's two younger sisters were
watching all of the drama unfold before them.
[Here is a clue, my grandmother's nickname was "Queenie."]
Having been one of the very few people in attendance at my grandmother's
funeral on that cold and snowy winter day almost 22 years ago with neither of
her sisters in sight, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say there was a lot
of hurt and a lot of misunderstanding, that culminated into a fair amount
of harm all around.
But the thing is, my intuition tells me, that most of the harm was unintentional
and unknowing.
I think the "un" intentional and the "un" knowing part
matters for 2 reasons.
Number one, the difference between glaringly malicious and carelessly
unthoughtful, is in fact a real difference. And the way
one might go about healing from either one would vary significantly based on
that "intent."
And two, I think it is important to note that there is real harm that can be
had, even when the person is unaware of the harm that they are inflicting
because harm matters, whether it is intended or not.
For this area of forgiveness, I often turn to one of my favorite western Buddhist authors and teachers Jack Kornfield because he has spoken and written extensively on this topic, and also authentically shared pieces of his own personal healing journey with his family members including his complicated relationship with his own father.
On Mr. Kornfield's website, he writes this about forgiveness:
We have all betrayed and hurt others, just as we knowingly or unknowingly have been harmed by them. It is inevitable in this human realm. Sometimes our betrayals are small, sometimes terrible. Extending and receiving forgiveness is essential for redemption from our past.
Knowingly and unknowingly. Both matter. Both require healing.
But what I like about Jack Kornfield's take on forgiveness as a path to healing is he does not approach it with a sort of moral high-ground or "have to" of any kind.
He writes:
In Buddhist psychology, forgiveness is not presented as a moral commandment; thou shalt forgive. It is understood as way to end suffering, to bring dignity and harmony to our life. Forgiveness is fundamentally for our own sake, for our own mental health. It is a way to let go of the pain we carry.
I wish my ancestors had been able to let go of some of the pain that they carried- for some of them, literally to the grave.
Because the truth is, whatever pain and hurt (both intentional and unintentional) that is not processed, is more often than not just passed down to the next generation. In that way, the choice to lean in toward forgiveness, could be viewed as a gift or offering to those future generations because it increases the likelihood that the very same negative and harmful family patterns will not continue to replicate themselves in our children, and our children's children.
Again, Jack Kornfield:
Forgiveness sees wisely. It willingly acknowledges what is unjust, harmful, and wrong. It bravely recognizes the sufferings of the past, and understands the conditions that brought them about. There is a strength to forgiveness. When we forgive we can also say, 'Never again will I allow these things to happen.' We may resolve to never again permit such harm to come to ourselves or another.
However, I think forgiveness is one of those "easier said than done" kind of deals.
This means, if you are anything like me, forgiveness of both intentional and unintentional harm may require vigilant practice and regular effort to turn the mind back toward the road of forgiveness each an every time it has detoured far off into resentment-land.
Below I have included some meditation phrases that I myself have found helpful, and may or may not work for you on your own self-healing journey of forgiveness.
Either way, may we both find the freedom and inner peace that we may be seeking.
May it be so.
Meditation Phrases to Practice Forgiveness:
+ I am sorry for whatever hurt I have caused you knowingly or unknowingly, I ask for your forgiveness.
+ For the ways I have knowingly or unknowingly harmed myself, I forgive myself.
+ For the harm and hurt you have caused me, intentionally or unintentionally, I forgive you.
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