I gave my husband my mantra this week. Well, maybe shared is a better word. We had been talking all week about where god is during hardship. And it seemed he was in need of a new outlook on how to relate to god- particularly in times of suffering.
My husband's opinion, and I have to warn you this will be colorful language, is that sometimes God (his god is a capital "g") kicks you hard in the balls over and over. Now first of all, I hope that made you laugh, I did. It's funny. And the way he said it was even funnier.
Unfortunately though, he was using humor in a moment that desperately needed some lightening up because his mom, my mother-in-law, has breast cancer. She had her first surgery this week. And afterwards, a series of other challenges presented themselves in the lives of our immediate family.
Hearing my husband's view of where god stood during these difficult moments made my heart heavy for him. I told him as much. More than once. I said god did not cause your mother's cancer or these other terrible things. God is with us as we confront and maneuver through them. God is with us, not against us.
Having said that, it's not that I don't see where he's coming from. I do. Sometimes I feel so totally lost from god. I say, "where are you?" I say, "I don't understand." I say, "why?"
I recently heard Vietnamese Buddhist monk and teacher Thich Nhat Hanh say he would not want to live in a kingdom of heaven that did not have suffering because if there was no suffering then there would be no compassion, and he would not want to live in a world that did not have compassion.
This statement made total sense to me. In my own theology, if pain and suffering are a given in life, and I believe they are, that's where god comes in, in the compassion. That's where god lives. So I try hard to pay attention to moments of compassion because this is where I experience the loving presence of god. These are god's blessings (or traces) in the form of grace.
But I have to say, what I just described is sometimes not enough. Yes, for the record, I just said compassion and grace and blessings are not enough...crazy as it may sound. It's true. It's true because I'm this totally limited human being whose visions and dreams are painfully narrow in contrast with god's. So I also have to repeat a mantra- at nauseum! I say: I surrender. I say it while taking steady slow breaths in and out: inhale "I," exhale "surrender." And I repeat it again. And again. And again.
I don't know if it is more of a wish, or a prayer, or a statement of what already is. I think I say it to allign myself with reality as it is. Not the reality I wish I were in. Not the one that is just or fair. This one. Here and now. And it's hard. It's so hard.
I've found though, that when I practice repeating my mantra regularly, the presence of god is not as hard to spot. It no longer feels like looking for a four leaf clover, and becomes more like looking for a golden maple tree in a New England forest in autumn. Literally all it requires is a willingness to get out of your own head just long enough to open your eyes and look around.
I'll tell you though, my husband was not all that jazzed about my offer to share my mantra this week. He said he still feels like god is kicking him in the balls. So I said okay, and didn't push the issue. After all, it's all about getting in alignment with the universe right? Surrendering. Including accepting someone I love is in pain right now and I cannot change that in any way.
So I return my attention to what I can control, my own thoughts and behavior. And if I'm lucky, I'll get into a state of a flow on my unfolding journey that allows me to follow god's will and my own soul's longings with an effortless knowing that they are one and the same. The moments of compassionate grace are god's supportive guideposts along the way to keep me (us!) going.
How do you spot god's presence in your own life? How do you practice surrendering to reality?
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